Trust…a minefield of emotion

 

I’d been talking to a dear friend who’d been badly let down by another so called ‘friend’. Backstabbing would be an understatement of what happened. She was in the ” make the world go away” phase. Broken trust can be such a horribly gut-wrenching emotion! Having been through that, I sympathized and shared my own experience.

How to describe it best…I just couldn’t believe it, we had been so close! First there was the unadulterated shock. Right after that I’d kicked myself for being so trustworthy and believing that people were basically honest, in their feelings and their actions, and swore not to trust anyone ever again, ever. Ever. Ever. Because if I don’t trust, don’t let anyone get close to me, I can’t hurt, right? Hmmm, perhaps…

I thought about what it would be like being a person who didn’t trust anyone and was uninterested in relating to anyone. I didn’t want to experience that kind of pain and disappointment again so it sounded like a good option. Probably a lonely one, but I decided to try it for a while anyway. Cocooning myself against the world for months, it was as expected – deeply lonely. I missed chatting to people, just shooting the breeze sometimes, being a part of their lives and they a part of mine. The hurt was still there but now was enveloped in the ever deepening sadness of isolation.

Once it was not all so raw and fresh, I looked at it again.

I had trusted someone, and that trust was misplaced. But is it be better to become a cynical person that never trusted anyone, preferring to have no contact with others because of that? Or when you do, to always be looking for the ulterior motives that they may have, rather than be open and friendly with people? For me, it was not. I knew in my heart that I couldn’t be that way. It just wasn’t my nature.

I don’t want to spend my entire life being scared of forming any relationships of any kind ‘just in case’. Taking the decision to never trust anyone ever means that I’m closing myself off to the opportunity of forming what could be wonderful, fulfilling friendships. Maybe that won’t happen as there are no certainties in life, but then at least I’d be keeping the door of my heart open to allow for that possibility. Surely that has to be better than just putting up a sign that says “Keep Out – Once Bitten, Twice Shy”.

If we try to change who we feel essentially that we are because of the hurt caused by another, it’s a path of confusion. Deep down we know that this new person that we envisage we’re going to be just doesn’t gel with what we feel inside. All that happens is we get ourselves muddled. We may even feel a loss of control and sense of self.

This is because we have allowed the control to shift to the ones that caused the hurt, even when they have long since disappeared over the horizon without even a backwards glance sometimes at what they have done. Their actions have in effect made us question ourselves and who we are.

That’s maybe not a bad thing though if it causes a period of soul searching within. The main thing to focus on is to take back that control in a decisive manner, in your heart and your mind.

I made some decisions when I thought more about it. I wanted ME to be in control of who I am and not to allow the hurt caused by another to change me into someone I’m not. I wanted to choose how I allow myself to feel and on my own terms, not because of what someone else did. I wouldn’t wish them any harm though as I do think that what you give, you receive.

In the end I didn’t give up on trust completely as was my initial plan because without trust, there’s not much of a foundation to build relationships upon. I did decide however not to have blind faith in everyone anymore. Perhaps be a bit more guarded is the best way to describe it. I decided to accept that people are just people and we don’t all see things or live life in the same way.

I can be comfortable with that. Maybe I’m naive to think positively and that people are inherently good, but it’s still my belief and a closely held one.

Overall the experience was a gift for me. I could share that event with my friend in the hope it gave her an alternative perspective on her own situation, so something positive came out of it.

Learning to trust your own judgment comes through life experiences, both “good” ones or “bad”. Sometimes the ‘bad’ ones may turn out to be the best lessons and we simply don’t know it then. While I no longer feel the need to give up on trusting again, I’ll just keep that in mind if I ever do.